letters to lovers past..

kate did this beautifully.. and i really really really felt compelled to do it too..

Dear Joey

My first kiss on the little bus (not the big bus, the little bus did our route). You asked the bus driver if we could swap seats so as to sit together. I was twelve and you were fourteen and you had fallen hard in love with me without me doing anything other than let you look at my eraser collection.

The day you kissed me - you rode the bus all the way around to my stop until there was nobody left but us and the driver.

I didn't ever see you again. But I google your name from time to time.. I haven't found you yet.


Dear Derek..

My unrequited crush from High School Once your best friend rang my house and asked me to go and see E.T. at the cinema with on a double date with my friend Debbie. When I floated back into the dining room and told my parents I was going on a date my mother said NO WAY.. and she took me to see ET.. I could see you sitting up the back.. mum and I sat at the front.


Dear Jason

If only our timing was better.


Dear Lobster

If only our timing was better. You were the man I should have married.. but I was 16 and I had plans for University. You were ready to settle down.. travel the country with me and your four wheel drive. I regret meeting you so young.. I loved you so much. But. I didn't know what to do.

I want to apologise for leaving you after two years with no explanation. I want to thank you for coming to my family's rescue when my father was dying. You quit your job in the W.A. mines (where you went to get me out of your system 3 months beforehand) to live in our lounge-room to help with dad and you drove me to pick up the nurse the morning that he died. I think I truly would have fallen apart without you.
Funny man, lateral thinking funny man.


Dear Paul

I don't know if I ever really loved you - even after being with you (off and on) for three years. I asked you out because someone dared me. I love that story.. how I asked you out and then went back to your shop to tell you you had to pick ME up because I didn't know how to drive..
Some sad stuff happened around you and I. I am thankful we had each other.
I am sorry that I didn't come home the weekend of my 21st.
I am sorry you slept on the couch two nights waiting for me. I freaked out. I knew you were serious and I didn't want you to ask me to marry you so I kissed someone else that weekend away at Uni and I couldn't come home to you.
You really were the best lover I have had. I'll never forget the phone conversation that lasted five hours (even though you were 5 minutes drive from my house), I'll never forget the games, the costumes and the note my cat delivered to you to come and rescue me from the bath..


Dear Alex

I didn't love you and I wish I had. You were textbook gorgeous and the first one to make me orgasm! I was your first lover. Two years of loveliness.. but no love.


Dear Doug

Your hipbones hurt me when we had sex!! Your long curly hair smelled like chip fat!! Your penis was HUGE. I loved sleeping in your boho artist studio, making love to Mazzy Star and waking up to the horses clip clopping up the laneway on the way to do trackwork at the racetrack. You said bonk once too often and I walked out on you in the restaurant I had met you at a year earlier. The first time you saw me I heard you say, quietly.. Beautiful..
Thank you for thinking I was beautiful..


Dear Stephen

Your strange obsessive behaviour was at first kind of flattering. But you ran hot and cold when it came to me. You were the first man to truly dent my confidence and I haven't ever fully found it since. You made me feel less attractive than a six pack of beer.. breaking up with you was devastating.. you were the first man who had ever made the decision to break up with me. I always ALWAYS was the one to break things off.. but you beat me to it.
I wonder if you are still an alcoholic?


Dear Ari

Fucking liar. Our first date we went to see a Woody Allen film that had a few subtitled scenes.. and you whispered in my ear that you were dislexic.. Fucking LIAR. You put on a fake David Beckham-esque accent when we first met that strangely faded over a few weeks. FUCKING LIAR. You told me our birthday was the same, that you had been married to a Russian girl, that you kept missing our dates because of soccer practise..
In reality you weren't a paid soccer genius (although you were pretty amazing from the neck down).. you were a drug dealer with a speed habit.. fuckwit.
When I told you to fuck off out of my life.. you stood out the front of my house playing some Ricky Martin song on a portable stereo to try and win me back..
The way you used to watch your penis go soft after sex while posing in the mirror made me gag..
I truly only endured it because you were so hot - dumb but hot.


Dear Ahmed

My brief time with you was getting close to the worst of my life.
You were a cunt. I should have known you were bad news when you told me that Celine Dione songs helped you learn English. You were the reason I couldn't become an ESL teacher. Being alone in a classroom with Middle Eastern men terrified me and I couldn't finish my course.
I wish I could remember who I was before I met you. I hope you never did to another woman what you did to me.


Dear Rob

Another addict prick bastard. YOU were the end for me. YOU were a mindfuck. I actually class you as more evil than the prick who preceded you. I would be quite happy if you fell off some Indonesian mountain and impaled yourself on some spiky rock and your life bled out slowly and painfully..


Dear Sam

We had some strange attraction going on didn't we? You made moving to Melbourne so much easier for me. I really dug what we had going for a while.. It started to get a little weird at the end.. you know.. when after three years of bizarelly good foreplay we actually started having sex and it was really really really bad.. You were the first man I wrote about here - after the first time we had sex - remember? You said just at the end of our first weird impromptu sex.. "Now you have me worried about my long service leave.."
I tell you.. that was a moment..



Dear Monaro Man

When you invite a girl over you have been trying to impress.. please.. please.. wash your sheets.



Dear Doctor

I wish I still knew you. I have flashbacks of you.. your taste.. and the feel of you.. the first kiss in a dim lit room.. the statistics.. the inherent deliberate sadness around you.. The disjointed closeness.. Making love to Tuvan Throat Singing once and being disappointed to make love to Emmylou Harris the next time..
I. Miss. You. I miss it. I just miss IT.


Dear Fuse

You are a hard one to write to. (Because now I have started crying)
I am sorry. I am so sorry. I wasn't able to appreciate the goodness of you and share myself with you fully.

You disappointed me. I wanted you to be hard to tether. I wanted you to go and explore and build a life for yourself that didn't have me at the centre. Just to have you travel all this way to be with me wasn't enough (apparently) - and I feel like I punished you for it. I didn't want you to nest with me - I wanted you to have adventures without me - so that at the end of the day we could come together and share our adventure stories. I felt like I had all the adventures - and that you just waited for me to bring them to you.

Remember when you went away to Sydney and to the NT and I couldn't wait for you to come back?! I was so desperate to hear your adventures. Remember hauling half the bed out into the loungeroom and making love all day when you came back from Kakadu..? That's what I wanted to feel all the time..

I kept waiting for it to happen again. I was telling you the truth when I said I hadn't made up my mind about whether it could work for us or not.. until.. you made up my mind for me. A week before Christmas. I didn't ever recover that expectant on the brink maybe it's going to happen love for you.

I wish I had. Life would have been less lonely for us both if it had worked out. It just didn't.
I am so so so sorry.

It's a strange intimacy we have now. Blogging is sometimes too close.
But sometimes I cuddle the dog (when he tricks me into letting him on the bed).. I cuddle the dog on your side of the bed.. and once I even bopped his little bottom and smiled.